[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, Lilly, before Surf's Up Susie
can go out with Surf's Up Dave,
you need to know the golden rule of dating.
He who has the gold gets the date.
Uh-huh... [KAREN GIGGLES]
Lilly, don't listen to her.
You are a powerful,
independent, free-thinking woman
capable of buying yourself anything you need.
Stand tall against the totalitarian
testosterone conspiracy.
What's her problem?
Hello, ladies.
Hello, honey bunny.
Hello, sweetie-weety-peety.
Way to stand tall, honey-woney.
What's going on? Well, after hearing Karen explain dating to Lilly,
I'm about to have a stroke. Ooh.
Well, it's good thing Dr. Halke's in the house.
Mmm-hmm.
Ooh, kissing.
Hi. Good news.
The new dishes we ordered finally arrived.
[SIGHS] Anything new going on here?
Yeah, Rich and Dana are going to have a baby!
[DISHES SHATTER]
Lilly, could you tell Mommy again
what you just told me about Rich and Dana?
Sure, Mommy. I said Rich and Dana are going to have a baby!
You're a dead man. No, no, no, Frank.
Whoa, Mom, I have... I don't know where she got this idea,
but I am definitely not pregnant.
Yeah, I don't know where she got that.
Well, that, that, that is if I wanted break in to Fort Knox,
which I wouldn't even dream of doing anything like that
until Fort Knox and I are married.
Smooth, Rich.
Okay, now, you tell Mommy
why you think that Rich and Dana are going to have a baby.
'Cause Rich and Dana were kissing,
and my friend Joey said that's how you make a baby.
[SIGHING] [CHUCKLING]
Oh, I am so glad this little misunderstanding is over.
[CHUCKLES] Dana and I are just...
Yeah, we'll be leaving now.
Uh, together, but in a very platonic way.
You know, it's completely unsexual.
I won't even think about her naked--
Lilly, your friend Joey was wrong.
Babies do not come from kissing.
Then, where do they come from?
I'll handle this one, honey.
Come here, honey.
Okay, up. Ooh, there we go.
[CLEARS THROAT] Okay, now,
when a mommy and a daddy want a baby...
They go to this big, magical cabbage patch.
And it's ruled by a royal queen and her elves.
Frank, Frank, I'll handle this.
Now, honey, I'm just getting to the part where the babies come down the rainbow.
It's okay. Frank. Frank.
Oh, Lilly, forget what Daddy said about the cabbage patch.
All right, Mommy is going to tell you where babies come from.
Oh!
Frank, our daughter has asked an honest question,
I'm going to give her an honest answer.
I want Daddy to tell me where babies come from.
I love when Daddy explains things.
Okay, Daddy.
So, the, the question is where do babies come from.
Right. [CLEARS THROAT]
And the answer is...
Babies come...
From Mommy's tummy.
The end. Whoa, look at this car.
Okay, I see that you want a complete explanation.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Because that's where the seed is planted.
Oh, look, it's 3:00! Who wants to go to the toy store?
I do! All right!
Right after you tell me
how the seed gets into the mommy's tummy.
Okay...
MAN: [ON TV] And they're off.
The first one out of the gate is Dancing Girl.
Followed closely by Mr. Bickley,
Daddy's Dream, Saratoga, Bandit Bob,
and Susie Q bringing up the rear...
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
As we say on the range,
"Howdy, boys."
Go, Dancing Girl!
Come on, go, Mr. Bickley!
I see you two are watching the races.
Perhaps one of you would like to ask me how come I'm wearing this
dashing urban cowboy outfit and squinting into the wind.
Not really. J.T. and I are kinda busy.
Well, you're both very rude, and you're both very wrong.
The winner of this race will be Susie Q.
[BOTH SCOFF] Don't flick your phlegm at me.
She's dead last.
Any moment, she's going to make her move
run to the outside, and win by three lengths.
Ha! Yeah, right.
MAN: [ON TV] And down the homestretch they come.
Wow! Susie Q's making a move!
She's going to the outside and really turning it on!
And Susie Q wins by three lengths!
Jean-Luc, that was amazing! [TV SHUTS OFF]
How did you know that she was gonna win?
Because I used to own and breed racehorses
before my ex-wife took them all away from me.
She likes to take things away from me.
I'd like to take things away from her.
Like her lungs.
Thank God I'm not bitter.
Now, last chance.
Is anyone in this room going to ask me
how come a Frenchman like me is dressed like Roy Rogers?
Roy Rogers?
I really don't feel like telling you right now.
However, if you insist on knowing,
I'm going line dancing at the Golden Spur.
Yes, indeedy-do.
Country line dancing is super-extra fantastic.
One man gets to dance with 12 woman.
And I have only one thing to say about that.
Rawhide.
[CHILDREN CHATTERING]
[SCREAMING]
All right, children, nap time is over.
Now it's time for show-and-tell.
[CHILDREN CHEERING]
I want you to break up into your show-and-tell groups,
I wanna go first.
No, I wanna go first. I got a rock.
So, I'm gonna tell where babies come from.
I already know that. Babies come from kissing.
No way, Joey. Kissing's just part one.
Well, what's part two?
That's the really good part.
I'll use these dolls to show you.
Now watch,
'cause this is gonna blow your mind.
Bye, Mason. Bye, Miss Crawford.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Daddy. Hi, Mommy. Hi, sweetheart.
Ooh.
Did you have a good day? No.
Why not?
Joey's not allowed to play at our house anymore.
His daddy told him we have a dirty family.
[GASPS]
Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Lambert,
You see, today at show-and-tell,
Lilly told her little friends
all about the birds and the bees.
Ooh, Lilly, why don't you go get your coat
and gather your things, okay?
Okay. There you go.
[SIGHS] Listen, I am really sorry about this.
Oh, don't worry. These things with kids happen all the time.
Yes, I know, but I don't want Lilly to lose a friend over this.
Oh, I'm sure we can get this all straightened out.
Oh, thank you. Oh, that would be great.
Yeah, thanks. Mommy, Daddy.
Could you help me dress my dolls up?
They're done making a baby, they should wear clothes.
Yes, they should.
Buh-bye. Bye.
Okay, translate this phrase into French.
"You have a handsome son."
Vous avez... Vous avez...
A beau... Un...
Ah. No, just say, "Ahh."
Ahh.
Vous avez un beau fesse.
Okay, perfect, expect for one thing.
Instead of telling me that I have a handsome son,
you told me that I have a handsome buttock.
Sorry.
That's okay. I get that a lot.
Check it out! We're rich!
Zut alors. That's a lot of cash.Yep.
We went to that track in Chicago,
Oh, man, it was so easy.
Man, I feel so in tune with horses.
I feel like I'm...
[IMITATES HORSE]
Part horse. [LAUGHS]
And I know which part.
Listen, guys, uh,
Absolutely. We're natural pony players.
Tomorrow, we're gonna empty out college fund
and make a big killing at the track.
You can't do that.
Okay. Fine. You're an idiot.
Normally, yes, but not necessarily when it comes to horse racing.
Now, listen, guys.
There's a horse going off tomorrow
at 50/1 odds called Thunderbolt.
It's a sure thing.
Now, at those odds,
What do you say?
I say, if we hurry, we can clean out our college fund
before the bank closes! Yes!
BOTH: Money, money, money. Money, money, money.
Money! Yes. Money, money, money! Money.
Jean-Luc, are you nuts?
No, don't worry. Look, I'm in total control.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Well, good, 'cause right now,
That was very rude.
Congratulations, you are now officially French.
Hey, Jean-Luc, how come you wanted us to meet you in a laundry--
[SHUSHING]
BOTH: This is a bookie joint?[SHUSHING]
Lots of criminal activities occur in laundries.
Haven't you ever heard the phrase "laundering money"?
BOTH: Ooh. Okay.
Now, I'm going to go over
and tell my bookies that you're with me,
so wait here, and don't touch anything.
What did I just say? I said don't touch anything.
Okay, are you ready? These the pigeons we're gonna scare?
Oui. Bring on the meat.
Hey, J.T. Hey, Jean-Luc.
Those are some nice pants you got there--
Now, we're in.
How much money do you want to bet?
Uh, well, including all our college money,
we got $2,300.
$2,300? [SCOFFS]
I spit on $2,300.
[SPITS] You want to win big, you got to bet big money.
I say you bet $10,000.
But we don't have... [FRENCH ACCENT] $10,000.
Yeah, what if we lose?
It's a sure thing. You definitely do not need the money.
You know something, he's right.
Now you're talking. 50,000.
Because at 50/1 odds, that will make you millionaire.
What do you say, Rich?
Oui.
Okay, boys, these are my friends, J.T. and Rich.
How you doing? Rich Halke. Nice to meet you.How you doing? I'm J.T.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
This one's clean, no gun, no wire.Ditto.
[RICH GRUNTS]
Well, uh, we'd like to bet 50,000
on Thunderbolt to win in the fifth race.
How are a couple of snot-nosed punks like you gonna come up with 50 large?
Oh, they're good for it.
And I spit on anyone who won't accept my voucher.
[CLEARING THROAT]
Okay, we got you down for 50.
Um, could we get a receipt for that?
[GRUNTS] I'm very trustworthy.
And you have very lovely hands, too.
MAN: [ON TV] And they're off!
Whiskey Pete's in first. Followed by Shadow.
Amy's Pride, Baby Face, Cuban Cigar,
and Thunderbolt bringing up the rear.
Our horse is dead last. No, no, calm down.
Maybe he's just pacing himself. Come on, go, Thunderbolt!
MAN: [ON TV] And at the clubhouse turn, it's Whiskey Pete.
Followed by Amy's Pride, Shadow, Baby Face.
Here comes Cuban Cigar.
And Thunderbolt is falling way behind the rest of the pack.
Pacing himself? He's limping!
MAN: [ON TV] They're turning into the homestretch.
And for some reason, Thunderbolt is slowing down.
Dear, God, he's stopping to pee!
Pee later, you old flea bag!
We got 50 grand on this race!
Amy's Pride second, and Shadow a very close third.
Wow! Here's something you don't see very often.
They're bringing out a truck to take Thunderbolt off the track.
Okay, boys, the bet was 50,000.
Now pay up.
[LAUGHING]
We might have a little bit of a problem.
You see, because we don't actually have...
$50,000.
Well, how much you got, then? $2,300.
That perhaps we could work out
an easy-payment plan for the rest.
How 'bout this for an easy-payment plan,
I squeeze your head until the money comes out your eyeballs?
Uh, Jean-Luc,
I think we have a little problem.
You think you have a problem,
I forgot to put in fabric softener.
Good idea. [J.T. AND RICH EXCLAIMING]
Which side of your face do you want to crease on?
Give me the rest of my money, you little creep!
I told you! We don't have it!
[SCREAMING]
No, God, please! Please, just get me out of this!
I swear I'll never gamble again!Me, too, me, too!
Okay, Frankie, let's teach 'em a lesson.No!
On three. RICH: Oh, no!
Ready, one, two, three!
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHING]
Hey, what's going on here?
You, my friends, have been stung.
What do you mean, this was all a set up?
Ah, Frankie and Tony just work here.
Do you think that I Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux
would just stand by while you screw away
all your college money on gambling?
So these guys really aren't gonna kill us?
Not as long as you promise never to gamble again.
Hey, no problem there.
Yeah, you go that right.
Jean-Luc, man. [LAUGHING]
You guys, you were... You were great, man.
You really had us going. Very funny.
You touch me again and I'll crush your head like a walnut.
You got it.
See ya. Bye.
Oh, well, this is great, honey.
Oh, calm down, Frank.
You know, we shouldn't judge them before we meet them.
Yeah, but I just hate the idea
of some miserable, old, stuck-up fuddy-duddies
not allowing their kid to play with Lillian.
Hi. CAROL: Hi.
I'm Devon. This is Tiffany.Hi.
Hi. Do you go to high school down the street?
Uh, no, we're Joey's parents.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
We were expecting adults.
No, we're adults.
Tiffany is 24, and I'm 24 and a half.
Listen, I'm glad we got together to talk this out
because we want you to understand our position.
It's just we don't want our son knowing about "things" too soon.
Right, right.
Sex at such a young age is very irresponsible.
Irresponsible? TIFFANY: Mmm-hmm.
All we did was tell our child the truth.
I hardly think that's irresponsible.
Well, of course you don't.
where everything was free and easy.
Look, obviously you people have no self-control.
I mean, you know, seven children, what are you, rabbits?
You know, Skippy, you're starting to tick me off here.
Listen, don't yell at my husband.
Well, your husband is a little twit.
TIFFANY: Yeah? Well, yours is an old hippie.
Hey! Take that back!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Everybody has to stop yelling and say they're sorry.
Yeah, me and Joey just wanted to play together.
Lilly's my friend. And Joey's my friend.
Now say you're sorry.
ALL: Sorry.
Say it like you mean it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too.
Yes, I'm sorry. I apologize.
We just really have to find a way to work this out.
Look, we don't wanna be unreasonable,
but we just have certain opinions
And-and you're entitles to those opinions.
But we shouldn't let that get in the way of our children being friends.
Yeah, Mommy, please, can I play at Lilly's house?
Okay. [CHEERING]
You can play at Lilly's house.
We can watch the nature channel.
The nature channel?
Oh, don't worry, don't worry.
It's predator week. There's no sex.
Just wild animals ripping each other's guts out.
Yeah. Fine. Okay, buh-bye. Nice meeting you.
You know, I think Skippy there
was potty-trained a tad too early.
Look, boys, you may have learned your lesson about gambling,
but if you're gonna make it in this man's world,
there's something else you need to know.
What's that?
One word...
Laundry.
What's the big deal? You just toss it all in the washing machine.
You say one more stupid thing
and I'm gonna spin you over my head again!
Now, listen up, you yutzes,
you wanna separate your denim and your other heavy items
from your light cottons and unmentionables.
Why?
So you can add the appropriate fabric softener, you dipstick!
they will be rough and abrasive against your sensitive skin.
Now, you may not know it by looking at me,
but...
I chafe easily.
And when I chafe, you do not wanna be around me.
He's impossible.